Thesis Statements: The Makeover Edition
Well, there’s only so much I can do to make a blog post about
thesis statements interesting, so prepare yourselves for some irrelevant
Michael Jackson gifs dispersed throughout.
I’m
sure most of you have had some sort of instruction on
thesis statements, but often, students will be taught simplistic methods
for
developing a thesis that they sort of latch onto rather than using the
beginner’s
method at first and then evolving toward a more complex method of thesis
development. Think about giving your thesis a makeover. That look you
had going in high school was fine for back them, but it just isn't
working for you anymore now that you're a collegiate superstar. Time to
take it to the next level!
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| Michael's excited about how great your thesis will be |
So what makes a strong thesis?
- Promotes thinking: leads you to arrive at ideas, rather than just stating the obviou
- Reduces scope: separates useful evidence from the mass of details. (Sometimes students think, “I know, I’ll write a really general thesis, so I can add additional content to my body paragraphs if I need to,” but this creates a watered-down, vague argument).
- Provides direction: helps you decide what to talk about, what to talk about next, and what NOT to talk about. Imagine little arrows going from your central argument (thesis) to the analysis portions of your body paragraphs. Each new piece of analysis should build on that central argument.
Now, let’s take a look at what makes a not-so-strong thesis:
- Attaches
you too early to a too-large idea so that you stop actually seeing the evidence
in its
real-life complexity or thinking about the idea itself
Get outta here, Three-Point Thesis! - Produces demonstration rather than discovery of new ideas by making the same overly general point again and again about a range of evidence
- Includes too much possible data without helping you see what’s most important to talk about. You really want to avoid facts or lists in your thesis. Save your paragraph topics and information for your body paragraphs.
A strong, productive thesis…
- usually contains tension, the balance of “this” against “that.”
- often begins with a grammatically subordinate idea that will get outweighed by a more pressing claim: “Although X appears to be about Y, it’s actually arguing Z.”
- avoids listing (like a 3-point thesis/5-paragraph essay).
- uses active verbs and specific nouns.
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| May your thesis be as strong as the screws in MJ's shoes. |
Here are some examples of strong and weak thesis statements
that relate to our course theme:
Weak:
Homelessness can be caused by circumstances, mental illness, or addiction.
Strong: While
homelessness is a pervasive problem in American society, homeless female vets
are an especially vulnerable population.
Weak: The
upper class lifestyle isn’t all it seems to be.
Strong: One
might assume that a child raised in the upper class has it all, but upper class
children struggle in a variety of ways.
For
your comment EITHER post your working thesis statement you're thinking
about using for your SSI OR comment on two students' thesis statements,
providing helpful/constructive feedback. Also, feel free to share your
favorite Michael Jackson song/video.
Prison sentences are often disproportionate to the crime committed by lower income individuals, leading to an endless cycle of jail time and poverty.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that it looks like an cycle of jail and poverty for poor. In their complicated circumstance, it is possible for poor commit a crime when they are young. Then when they are away from jail, they will find there are only low salary jobs for them. It is very hard for them to be out of poverty.
DeleteIt's a great thesis! It's a very focused one so you would be able to analyze it with lots of cases as supporting source to illustrate the cycle.
DeleteYour thesis is pretty good. You shows exactly an example of strong thesis. Cycle of jail and poverty for the poor is seems pretty interesting.
DeleteI agree. This is great, informative, detailed without boxing you in too much.
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ReplyDeleteWhile it may seem that most Americans are well off, the wealth disparity between quintiles of society is much larger than expected, leading to what is known as "the wealth gap" without most individuals realizing it.
ReplyDeleteand this is my favorite rendition of smooth criminal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQ6aDLpWON8
You did a great job writing a strong thesis statement by using the way mentioned in the article.
DeleteThis is a strong thesis statement because of the focused topic you mention. With good body paragraphs supporting this thesis you can develop a well-written paper.
DeleteThis thesis is very strong in that it hits all the marks of what makes a strong thesis. It gives the reader a lot to think about, reduces the scope of the problem, and it's clear to see what direction the rest of the paper will go.
DeleteGood thesis statement ruffing. Your thesis statement indicates that inequalities in America is getting worse as the rich continues to getter richer while the poor are getting poorer. Kenya has one of the worst wealth gap in the world. Funny enough, the wealth gap in the U.S is even worse than that of Kenya.
DeleteThis is definitely a good start, but I would work on finding an even more narrow angle/specific argument. Identifying a problem is a type of thesis/argument, but you need to make sure your problem isn't so broad that it makes the argument broad. Also, my husband looked at me judgmentally and said, "Uh, what are you listening to?" as I played the barrel organ video. Very original!
DeleteAlthough it may seem as if getting more money is simple, African Americans along with other ethnicities, have to overcome many different obstacles, such as job discrimination and lower pay, to even be considered an equal to their white peers.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I do not believe that getting more money is easy. However, this idea in the thesis statement is used appropriately. It is fact that African Americans have to make more effort to earn more money.
DeleteA great thesis statement! You made a turning sentence to lead to the thesis and also reduced the population scope to African Americans, leading to what you are going to write afterwards in the paragraph.
DeleteNot only in the U.S, racial discrimination has become persuasive in cultures throughout the world. Being a white is associated with privileges such as a better pay in jobs. As a matter of fact, in most employment sectors in the U.S, the whites have a higher salary than African Americans. Your thesis statement is strong and highlights the level of racial discrimination in the U.S.
DeleteThis is a good start, but you can pare this down so the wording is cleaner. For example, there's no reason to bring in other ethnicities if you're focusing on the AFrican American experience, and toward the end you say there are obstacles and then name them, when you could do one or the other.
DeleteAlthough middle class still is the class contains most American, this once-strong class stratification no longer dominates America.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good start to your thesis. I would try to be a little more specific as to why they no longer dominate America. You have a fairly broad approach but a little more specificity could benefit your thesis making your paper focused on a specific topic of why the middle class no longer dominates America.
DeleteThat is a good thesis for you to work on, But I think that it is still too general. It will be better if you add some details.
DeleteI agree. I feel that it is too general. How does it no longer dominate ?
DeletePretty good thesis statement, but if you modify your statement in detail, then you will get better strong thesis.
DeleteMana's suggestion is great here. This is very broad and answering her question (or, perhaps, what is the biggest reason why it no longer dominates) can help you narrow your argument.
DeleteMany may see how ones socio-economic class affects education attainment and resource obtainment. However, the affect played on ones mental health and actions is generally dismissed.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really strong thesis! It follows the format of "Although X....arguing Z," and it provides a very focused topic that you can draw a lot of details from.
DeleteI would try to pare this down a bit and use only one sentence. If you're focusing just on mental health, you probably don't need to mention "actions." And you have very specific points in the first part "education attainment" and "resource obtainment" in the beginning that you probably don't need to label that specifically if you aren't going to be covering it in your essay.
DeleteMy thesis statement:
ReplyDeleteWith each class striving to reach the top of the bunk, the image's purpose is to enlighten the viewer of the difficulty humans face with social advancement and the endless battle of various social groups to move between classes towards enhancement.
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DeleteI think it might be better to not be so blunt about the image's argument but rather just mention the argument that the image is making. Other than that, I think your thesis is very interesting!
DeleteI also agree that the thesis should not focus on the image itself, but provide the "so what" that the paper is trying to explain. Try something like, "due to the social construction in America today, many people face an endless battle in trying to improve their social standings through changing social classes."
DeleteFellow classmates are definitely on the right track here. Instead of just identifying the image's message, try figuring out an original argument based on what's depicted.
DeleteAlthough government’s policies are directly related to the rise or fall of social mobility, someone's backgrounds, opportunities, access to resources, etc. all these factors attributed to classism are crucial reasons for the difficulties of moving up, and we need to find practical solutions to change the decreasing trends of social mobility.
ReplyDeleteI like that you focused on the point of "glass ceiling". It's a good thesis!
DeleteI thought it was very well done, it made the ideas the paper is going to talk about very clear.
DeleteAvoid first person (we), and we also need to focus this quite a bit more. You have so many different factors listed that this ends up creating too broad of a thesis.
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ReplyDeleteOur culinary preferences might vary differently regarding our backgrounds, however, they are highly correlated to our awareness of food nutrition and the money in our pocket, which are directly dominated by our socioeconomic status.
ReplyDeleteI think your thesis does a really good job of connecting two topics that one might not make the connection between. Your thesis is great!
DeleteThis thesis is great. It is specific enough for you to start.
DeleteGood job! Your thesis provided a clear direction of what you're going to talk about.
DeleteLove the concept here, but work on making the wording as efficient as possible. This was a little overworked.
DeleteWhen thinking about social classes in America, most people only think about the social class that you were born in; however, the ability to obtain a proper education and higher education plays an important role as well.
ReplyDeleteActually, social classes cause many inequalities, however the education is the best way to overcome the gaps. People do need the knowledge and education to become strong enough to achieve their life goals.
DeleteAvoid 2nd person (you), and work on efficient wording. For example, I'm not sure why you include both "proper education" and "higher education." We want that thesis to be the smoothest read of the entire paper.
DeleteAltought education is fair enough and equal to everyone, The upper class children still have home advangtage in schooling.
ReplyDeleteI feel like your although statement is actually contradicting the but statement. How can schooling be fair and equal, but also provide some people an advantage? Try rewording to something like "Although it may seem fair and equal to all, education provides an adavantage to upper class children."
DeleteI agree with Catie. I feel that your thesis statement would be more solid and follow the formula better if the two sentences weren't contradicting each other.
DeleteAgree with your classmates here. You probably don't want to use two sentences that say opposite things. Also "home advantage" is an odd term to use in this situation. I think the idea is here, we just need the wording to make it clear.
DeleteAlthough everyone talks about the American Dream that people of any society background have the opportunity to advance themselves, there is still a big gap between the rich and poor and gender, race, and class are play an important role on social mobility.
ReplyDeleteI liked your thesis, it was direct and to the point, without being to simple. Well done!
DeleteWork on narrowing this quite a bit. Gender, race, class are all big, broad topics. You need to zoom in quite a bit in order for your thesis to be making a specific argument that isn't too general.
DeleteAlthough basic human needs is identical across all social class, the fulfillment of those needs is more thorough for the upper class than it is for the lower class in America today.
ReplyDeleteWork on creating a more narrow argument than the upper class has an advantage which is common knowledge.
DeleteEveryone has his own American Dream in deed, and most people try their best to achieve their goals. However, only a few of them can accomplish the dream. In fact, there are many barriers, such as races, rich and poor, and sexualities, which cannot easily be overcame by endeavor. Meanwhile, the social classes cause many inequalities, they make people start at a different origin.
ReplyDeleteThesis needs to be just one sentence and needs to make a specific argument. You've got a lot going on here, and this is quite broad. Work on narrowing, condensing, etc.
DeleteAlthough the socioeconomic status of an individual does not define their future, poverty has long lasting impacts that can hinder a person’s ability to become socially mobile, and though success in social mobility is not impossible, it requires much more efort and allows for psychological, cultural and physical barriers that individuals who have not experienced poverty do not face.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an absolutely terrific thesis statement! It might be a little too long though, but excellent nonetheless.
DeleteGood ideas but work on condensing for sure. You can still have a strong argument with half the wordage here.
DeleteWhile there is an epidemic of poverty in America today, the true crisis is the resulting lack of education for those in poverty who never have the opportunity for social mobility.
ReplyDeleteI really like your thesis statement! It's pretty straight forward and makes me think about it.
DeleteLove this thesis. Really forward and a real problem. Powerful! Poverty can impact a future but if allowed reentry into society with tools and education it can be resolved. Instead of turning a negative eye from the less fortunate and allow the same opportunity for all.
DeleteClean, clear argument.
DeleteWhile teen pregnancy brings a variety of social problems to the American society, teen pregnancy economically burdens the teen mothers who do not have enough money to raise their children.
ReplyDeleteGood but maybe add something about how these burdens are long-term.
DeleteWhile financial debt brings to bear large responsibilities on people of all ages, it can be most effectively seen in college age students and those without the needs to overcome this later in life.
ReplyDeleteAdd your name to this so you can get participation credit!
DeleteAlso, I was with you until "and those without." Work on the clarity of the latter part, maybe cutting it altogether.
how does a group mindset help a countries economy ?
ReplyDeleteSocial classes causes division amongst people. While men are more being shown in a different light for being more metrosexual because of (how they dress,groom or manicure themselves). Has it really been a change to how we view masculinity? Society have been more acceptable and evolving.
ReplyDeleteThesis needs to be just one sentence. And I'm not seeing much connection to socioeconomic class. Metrosexual isn't really an economic term (and it's pretty dated). I think there is a connection to be made between male grooming and the upper class (check at pretty much any Scott Disick Instragram post), but I'm not seeing that connection here.
DeleteA family's socioeconomic status can positively or negatively impact the quality of education a child will receive.
ReplyDelete(Any feedback would be greatly appreciated :). )
-Sierra Vahalik
This isn't making as strong of an argument as it could be since you're basically saying A can affect B either way. Can you look at just one negative effect or just one positive effect?
DeleteWhile the difference of studying environment is the most apparent situation of educational inequality, the qualification of accepting advancing knowledge is also decided by family economic power and lower-class children have to compete with the upper class children whose family can provide shortcuts in education.
ReplyDeleteReally great concept, but work on more efficient wording. Try to reword this (with pared down wording) a few times to see which version is best.
DeleteAlthough the government declares that they will cut taxes for the individual to help the poor, the rich have benefited more
ReplyDelete"It" for the government, not "they." Can you maybe finish the sentence with how the rich have benefited?
DeleteI get what Mana's saying, but I also think you're on to something big here. You could maybe use "individualism" instead of "mindset" for clarity.
ReplyDelete